Loneliness is a strange thing. It would approach you slowly, slithering towards you in an unhurried manner. It would take time to climb over your body and slowly wrap itself around you. Only when you realize its unwanted presence it would tighten its grip on you at once, shocking and choking you. And just to make sure, the monstrous serpent would sink its fangs into your neck, watching with yellow beady eyes as its poison circulated through your system.
Loneliness is something that everyone feels from time to time. You might feel that way when nobody has time for you on the weekends when you feel like sharing something immediately but realize that there’s no one you can share it with, or when you feel the absence of companionship while everyone around you seems to thrive. But this feeling has become chronic for millions of people in recent times.
Isn’t it ironic? Our generation is doused with a heavy sensation of loneliness during one of the most connected times in history. Many are feeling isolated despite the technology that lets us see our loved ones when they’re miles away, applications that connect us with strangers, and top-class transport facilities that allow us to go anywhere we desire no matter how far it is.
This feeling is something that’s deeply embedded within our systems. It’s a part of our biology. It is a need, a drive for something, a bodily function. Just as hunger caters to your physical needs, loneliness caters to your social ones. Loneliness was an essential indicator of one’s survival millions of years ago. For our ancestors, being together allowed them to battle threats, gave them a better chance at fending themselves against wild animals, fighting against cold, and taking care of offspring, which is why being together meant survival and being alone meant death. This is why our bodies and brains grew fine-tuned to recognize others’ feelings and sustain relationships.
Their greatest threat wasn’t freezing or getting eaten up by a tiger, but something that led to these situations– being alone. Just as how our body comes up with a physical sensation to alert us of our hunger, it also came up with a “social pain” to avoid the possibility of our ancestors ending up alone and ultimately dying. This was kind of like a warning system that would alert us to stop behaviour that might isolate us from a large group, an adaptation to rejection.
These mechanisms worked efficiently for maintaining connections during primordial times, but things changed as humans evolved, started to stress individualism, and drifted further from collectivism. People began leaving villages for cities; ancient societies dwindled while cities progressed further. Today, we move across the world for our job, education, and relationships and leave everything we know behind. And while everything about our world changed, the one thing that remained constant across millions of years is that we’re still fine-tuned to stay with each other.
College students, especially freshers, often experience loneliness. A recent study reported that almost one in every four students feels lonely most or all the time. For college students, this feeling is frequently an amalgamation of homesickness, nervousness, sadness, and hope for a new beginning.
Many students often look forward to their college life, thinking it will be all fun and happiness, that they’ll have the time of their lives and make many friends. And often, many find everything disappointing: you don’t expect the pang of homesickness to hit as hard as it would, you are just starting to live independently and adjusting to everything, and in the midst of all of this, it can sometimes be quite challenging to make friends. You feel that everyone has friends except you.
One downside of social media is that people always post their happy moments, carefully curating their feed and making it look like they’re happy. An outsider might see the stories and posts on someone’s Instagram and presume that they’re constantly having fun, even though the reality might be the opposite. Seeing everyone in groups, laughing and chattering happily, might negatively affect one’s feelings. College life is typically portrayed in movies, shows, and books as a period filled with happiness, new friendships, new relationships, and memories that would last a lifetime. When the freshers find this starkly contrasting with reality, they crash.
Even though you never had any trouble making friends throughout your life, you may falter in college regarding the same. You feel that everyone is having fun except you, and patheticness creeps over and wraps itself around you as you watch people go out with your friends while you’re stuck in your dorm room. There’s this nagging feeling that you aren’t enjoying the so-called “best” years of your life, and that sense of helplessness weighs you down.
Sometimes, these feelings of loneliness can take on another form, where the person begins to form negative feelings about themselves. Thoughts like ‘Nobody likes me, am I that bad?’, ‘Why does it seem like everyone’s running away from me?’ and ‘I don’t have a single friend, there’s something wrong with me’ tend to plague the person as they shower themselves with bitterness. Their first instinct is to turn in on themselves and criticize themselves for being weird and idiotic.
This experience can be even more harrowing when you find yourself getting distant from your friends back home. Apart from a few close friends, you find yourself drifting away from the people you thought you were close to: you can hear the ties of the friendship stretching to their limit and snap as your daily chats turn into weekly messages into monthly check-ins and yearly birthday wishes. This can be extremely disheartening and make the person feel even more alone.
One of the first things you must realize is that these feelings of loneliness are perfectly normal, and even though it doesn’t seem like it, many people struggle with such feelings. Many people– maybe sitting right next to you- might be feeling this way. Acknowledge your emotions, and start adjusting your mindset. Loneliness can negatively distort your perception– it can make you turn in on yourself, make your situation seem worse than it is, negatively affect and change your personality, and this might make you stay in your dorm room and not socialize. Reframing your thoughts and looking at everything from a broader perspective could help you realize you’re not alone, that there isn’t anything fundamentally wrong with you, and can lead to new opportunities to meet friends.
Don’t forget that you do have people who care about you. Being in college makes you feel like you’re worlds away from them, but it is essential to realize that you have people who love you for who you are. Yes, the busy college schedule does sever some friendships, but there are always some people whose relationships remain the same with you despite the distance. Stay in touch with them, and they’ll give you a foreign perspective that will set things right. Share your feelings with your family: those people would have your back no matter what.
It is fundamental to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you. Yes, you might not have friends in college: close friends to take pictures, gossip about, and go out with. But you need to remember that everything isn’t about you. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Everybody initially experiences these feelings of loneliness, and they grab onto the people they met on the first day in college. Yes, there are many groups in colleges, but that is because everyone else is feeling insecure and scared that they might lose their friends. They do like you, but they’re too busy worrying over their group friendship statuses and scared that they might get kicked out too. You must know that you shouldn’t change your personality for anyone in college, thinking there’s something they don’t like about you. You do have people back home. Call your school friends and talk with them, sharing everything with your parents. You always have people who would love you no matter what. Be yourself, and the right people will find their way to you someday.
While you feel like you need to interact with others, being alone gives you time to connect and know yourself on a deeper, more profound level. As you reconnect with yourself, you find the feelings of loneliness to diminish slowly. Listen to songs, go out on a single date, watch a movie by yourself, observe people around you, take out a book, and read it. Focusing on what’s happening with you and around you helps you become more mindful.
Keep in mind that intimate relationships will take time to build. While it may seem that everyone met their friends who just ‘clicked’ on the first day, they might or might not last. Remember that friendships are built when people spend casual time with each other. Over time, the bond gradually strengthens. One important thing to remember while making friends is caring and sharing. Listen to others talk about themselves and know more about them: because everyone is at the center of their world, and it would make them happy to know that someone else is genuinely interested in them. On the other hand, to connect, and share the experiences that make you, you.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Taking professional help doesn’t mean that you’re weak. If your feelings don’t seem like they’re getting better, are beginning to interfere with your daily life, and you feel like it's too much for you, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
Be proud of yourself for handling things this well. I know things are hard sometimes but hang in there. Things will not improve overnight, but slowly, step by step, you’re closer to the happiest version of yourself. Start connecting with yourself, and acknowledge your feelings. Join clubs, play sports, and explore your passions. You might not find your people right away, but in a matter of time, you will. Everything will be all right, you will be all right :)))
Be kind to yourself, and love yourself <3
References:
1. Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell. (2019, February 17). Loneliness [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA
2. Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell. (2022, September 6). Why You Are Lonely and How to Make Friends [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9hJ_Rux9y0
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