The lingering feeling never leaves.
Everyone around me says it’s fine, and says things are completely fine, but then why do I feel like it never is? When everything is going well in my life, that’s when the feeling strikes the most. The feeling of dread, that something terrible is going to happen if it didn’t already.
People around me always seem to hold onto a certain kind of peace. They don’t seem to be trapped inside their heads like I always am. And that makes me angry. Anger that is blinding to the point that I have difficulty seeing the good things happening in my life, refusing to see them.
Then comes the cycle of self-sabotage. I know it’s happening before it sets into motion. I know I will mess it all up, call it a self-fulfilling prophecy. My friends are nice people but they don’t understand, I don’t think they ever will, and it's not their job to but the sting is always persistently there.
I get jealous, angry, and scared, all simultaneously when I’m with them. I am incredibly happy too when I am in the company of the people I love but in the back of my head, I am always apprehensive. Sometimes the feeling becomes so overwhelming that I wish to run, away from everything and everyone.
But how far will I run? How far can I escape before they get to me again? And every single time, worse than before.
At this point, I feel like I am just waiting, waiting for these thoughts to sort themselves out, waiting till they settle down and then, maybe I will feel like myself again.
I don’t even know what ‘myself’ is at this point. Who am I?
There are days when I think I am the accumulation of the traits of the people I admire. On other days I feel like being desirable, wanted, and going along with the trends before I again realize that that's not me either and the cycle keeps on continuing.
I’ve thought about seeking help. Trust me, I have. But then the fear strikes. The fear of being told that something is wrong with me. The fear of the effort it will take to build myself from scratch. After these years where I’ve been doing nothing but trying, I don’t think I can handle it anymore. And so? The problem intensifies with every passing day.
And with that, my relations with everyone worsens. I can’t seem to fix them, even when I am trying my best to. It will seem very difficult to understand, trust me I don’t either, and there’s nothing left but to accept my fate.
Everything seems bleak but I am still trying to hold onto things, grasping with all my might until I can reach a solution. But I will not give up, I refuse to.
Till next time,
Love,
X.
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