[TRIGGER WARNING: DEPICTIONS OF ALCOHOL ADDICTION]
Do you know that feeling you have when you are seconds away from writing an important exam, giving a job interview, or a stage performance? You can feel your heart thumping wildly against your chest, your hands tremble with fear and anxiety, sweat dripping down your forehead, and your limbs locked in place. You can’t stop thinking about all the ways things can go wrong, can’t get out of that worrying mindset you’ve locked yourself into.
This is how I constantly feel. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have an important job interview or an exam. Whether it be a trip to the grocery market or getting ready for college, there is always a deliberating sense of worry, fear, and unease constantly following me.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m a maladaptive security system with an alarm blaring out loud in the absence of any threat, an alarm that can’t stop blaring at all. All I do is worry, worry, and worry. The worst part is– if I knew what I was worrying about, maybe I could try avoiding it, but I usually don’t know why I am feeling anxious in the first place. My anxiety is like head lice, latching onto everything it can reach and coating its treacherous feelings onto something pure. There is always a constant feeling of fear and worry that haunts me every day, no matter what the situation is. Maybe it is something I said during my conversation with someone, thinking about everything in terms of the worst outcomes, or watching my friend leave in a car and being terrified for her in case she has a car accident.
These thoughts are uncontrollable and overwhelming– I sometimes can’t eat, sleep, or concentrate. And some days, I am so burdened by this feeling of wrongness that I stay cooped up inside my room.
The way my body reacts to these poisonous thoughts inside me is worse– I can’t breathe, and every breath I take through my mouth is a weak wheeze. I can’t hear anything beyond the pounding in my chest, and can’t feel anything except for the sticky dampness in my palms, on my back, and sliding down my forehead. Panic would grip me by my throat, nausea rolling the contents in my stomach, an inherent instinct to fight or flight gripping me deep down. But what is it that I’m supposed to fight? Or what am I supposed to flee? I have no clue. Every cell in my body is screaming that something is wrong. Every thought in my mind is an overburdening anchor, dragging me down with its excessive worry and fear. If these reactions of mine were contained to a specific thing or situation, I could avoid them. But I’m worrying and fearing about everything that I’m exposed to. I can’t stop overthinking and obsessing over tiny little details, latching onto them and creating multiple what-if stories in my head, and worrying about the possibilities.
I know my thoughts are irrational but uncontrollable, too, and I can’t stop them. I am terrified of conversing with someone in case I say something stupid and I ruin it, but I desperately want a friendship at the same time. I want to travel, but I can’t help but think of any accidents that might occur. What if I get cancer? What if I lose my parents to an illness? What if I choose the wrong thing? What if, what if, what if. These statements and their worry-inducing nature have ruled over my mind my entire life. There is always something going on in my head, and sometimes I crave the feeling of peace washing over me, the feeling of peace I will never get.
It all gets so overwhelming sometimes. I lost so much of my life because of this.
But one day, I stumbled upon alcohol, the miracle of my life. I’ve discovered that alcohol soothes the fears inside me, calming the storm inside my brain and bringing me the sense of peace I’ve craved my entire life. Doing this let me live my life how I wanted, and I’ve started falling deeper into the labyrinth of alcohol.
You know what they say: When things are too good to be true, something is wrong.
And indeed, my life took a twisted turn. As I started to drink more and more, alcohol stopped taking the edge off my fears. I had to drink more to experience the same tranquillity. That was when it started to go down. Once I was done drinking, the peace and calm I had vanished bit by bit until I was consumed and drowning in the depths of my anxiety. It made it hard for me to sleep, and I started to feel more anxious and worse than ever. My worry and fears began to grip me the entire day after drinking, but at the same time, I’ve gotten so habituated to using alcohol as my crutch that I just couldn’t completely put a stop to it. I had essentially trapped myself into a vicious cycle– craving alcohol for that little sensation of reprieve, ending up feeling worse after drinking, and feeling the temptation to reach out for the bottle just to make myself feel better.
I knew I was too deep in, and that I should stop. I had once successfully stopped myself from drinking for three days, but my condition was worse than ever in those three days. In addition to debilitating anxiety, I faced severe withdrawal symptoms, and it was just a matter of time before I reached out to alcohol for helping me, which sucked me deeper into this twisted loop that was destroying me, bit by bit.
The more I drank, the worse my worry, fear, and physical reactions became when I tried to stop. The longer I continued in this cycle, the harder it was to stop it.
I knew I had gone out of control. I couldn’t get out of my house, I couldn’t stop drinking, I had lost my job, and during the process, I lost my sanity too, becoming a mere being swallowed in by a loop.
One day, I decided that it was enough. I stopped myself from finding solace and help in alcohol and reached out for actual help. I was so proud of myself that day because the strength it took me to throw the bottle of booze aside and deal with my pounding anxiety and withdrawals as I walked to a therapist’s was astounding.
And it had been the best decision I had ever taken for myself. It had been a long, rocky process that made me get rid of alcohol for good and cope with anxiety healthily, but I am here right now, enjoying the peace in my mind and the chaos in my life.
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This is a glimpse of the everyday life of someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder is a mental health disorder that produces fear, worry, and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed. It is characterized by excessive, persistent, and unrealistic worry about everyday things. Addiction to alcohol and anxiety often co-occur; anxiety is both a reason many individuals drink and a result of drinking. This is the story of a fictional character whose experiences are written for a better understanding of this condition.
If you feel like your experiences are similar to what is being portrayed in this blog, do not hesitate to reach out for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean that you are weak.
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