[TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE]
It’s been four days since I slept. The only way I can describe how I’m feeling is the sensation you get when you are on a rollercoaster. I feel like I’ve been on the highest peak of this rollercoaster for four days, my body full of intense, restless, optimistic hyperactivity, buzzing with overwhelming energy, that feeling of superiority that rushes to my head as I glance down at the tiny world below my feet. And just like how it goes on rollercoasters, we smoothly glide down at one point. Instead, I just crash.
I’m stuck in a terrifying, endless loop of opposites. One day, I feel like I can conquer the world, my mind full of racing thoughts and creative ideas for my future. The very next day, I feel myself go through a dark spiral, unable to get out of bed, overwhelmed by the dark fog that has clouded my mind. There are several periods when I’m stable: when I’m not plagued by either of these emotions, where I can live through myself normally without feeling swallowed by this vicious cycle. But even as I’m eating dinner with my family and hanging out with my friends during that period of rare tranquillity, there’s a voice in my head that keeps warning me that all of this is temporary and it’s just a matter of time before I feel like I’m soaring in the sky, just to fall into deep, murky waters.
It was extremely scary for me to be tossed into one of these cycles that consumed me bit by bit every day, stripping me of the control I was supposed to have over my life. When I’m on one of my highs, it feels as though I’ve chugged down a lot of caffeine, feeling euphoric, hyper, and energetic, but it’s not fun but a lot overwhelming. I go without any sleep for days, and I’m riding this wave of uncontrollable, heightened emotions when I feel like I’m high, but also feel irritable sometimes, snapping at my loved ones for things I usually wouldn’t. When I’m in one of these ‘highs’, I tend to feel superior to everyone, my self-confidence hitting the bars. I’m incredibly impulsive during these times, doing things I usually would never do, engaging in several risky behaviours.
There was this one time when I impulsively quit my job; the other time I’d gone on a shopping spree, using my credit card and racking up years’ worth of debt. These things feel right to me at that moment, but they always have harrowing consequences that I’d have to face when I’m not floating in a blissful sense of cloud nine. Once, I had gotten stupid tattoos and shaved my hair off. I normally wouldn’t think of gambling, drinking, or using drugs.
There is a constant stream of racing thoughts, my mind hopping from topic to topic and landing upon a bizarre idea that I must act upon. I have several notebooks filled with over-ambitious and vivid thoughts. The next day, I would look at the things I wrote, thinking about how none of that makes sense, and how it wasn’t good.
And just like every high has a low, mine does too. But it’s not always a smooth landing, but more of a crash.
When my highs end, they’re followed by these dark periods of grief. I can’t get out of bed; I’m plagued by this heartbreaking sadness and melancholy that has surrounded me for no reason. Where the previous day I felt unstoppable, extremely energetic, and self-confident, I feel severely insecure and worthless, unable to get through normal chores, feeling like every ounce of energy in my body has deserted me. The things I love do not give me pleasure, and even the most minor tasks– like brushing my teeth, seem monumental, very hard, and tiring. I do not eat, I cannot sleep, I can’t feel anything but this numbing sadness buried within the depths of darkness, the fatigue beating me down without even doing anything.
I feel like I’m drowning in waves of guilt, worthlessness, tiredness, and hate toward myself. I can’t stop thinking about every little thing I did, putting it under a microscope and feeling impossibly small and worthless. I feel like a waste of space, a burden upon the people I love, incapable of caring for myself without pathetically collapsing into the depths of my bed. Whereas my thoughts were rapid and racing in the previous days, I feel like my brain has gone static, where I’m unable to concentrate on my thoughts, which have slowed down to a snail’s pace. This exhausting, terrifying feeling cripples me.
This vicious cycle has consumed me bit by bit, making me feel numb and slowly nudging me into a suicidal spiral. And I felt like I couldn’t do this anymore. Being stuck in this never-ending loop of the opposite spectrum of emotions. One day, I would feel like I have the energy to climb on top of the world, and the next, I would be lying in the deepest, darkest pits of despair, pushing everyone away with my actions, wondering what I had done to be sentenced to this sorry state of life. And yes, there were times when I would be stable, not on either end of the extremes, but I spend those times facing the painful consequences of my impulsive actions during my highs, or piecing back relationships that I had pushed away during my highs and lows, and engulfed by the fear that it would be a matter of time before I’m thrown into the toxic cycle, sucked into the whirlpool of uncontrollable emotions. I was tired of it all and had no hope left.
I remember grabbing onto a bottle of pills in my bathroom and then nothing.
I remember waking up in a hospital with wires attached to my body. I honestly thought I didn’t make it out, but I did. I looked at the faces of my loved ones, how relieved they were when I opened my eyes, and I wanted to try once more. I started taking my prescribed medications and spoke regularly with my therapist, and though it was rocky and difficult at the start, it is bearable and worth it. Sure, there are some hard times, but I’ve learned to cope with them and look at the other side.
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This is a glimpse of the everyday life of someone with Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, activity levels, and concentration. These shifts can make it extremely difficult to carry out day-to-day tasks. This is a story of a fictional character whose experiences are very similar to several who have this mental health condition.
If you feel like your experiences are similar to what is being portrayed in this blog, do not hesitate to reach out for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean that you are weak.
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*Check out the other 'Living with' series that tackles other mental health disorders here: https://www.psychophilics.com/post/living-with-obsessive-compulsive-disorder
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