[TRIGGER WARNING: DEPICTIONS OF ALCOHOL ADDICTION; MENTIONS OF SUICIDE]
NAISHA FELT LIKE SHE WAS IN THE EYE of the storm. Everything was crashing and swirling around her, all while she stood there, helpless, hopeless, not able to get a say in her own life, watching as everything in her life was crumbling down to the ground. She felt like walls were closing in on her— everything was too suffocating, too much.
Until one day, she stumbled into a bar and ordered a drink, and everything clicked back into place for her. She felt like the storm around her died down, and she was encased in an opaque chamber that muted out all her worries and made her feel safe. Stumbling across alcohol was like wading in the hottest, dryest deserts, on the verge of dying, and finding water– it saved her. Alcohol slowed everything down, removed the edge of all the hurt she was going through, and soothed her pain. It made her life almost bearable, and Naisha was glad to use it as a crutch to go through her days.
She always felt that her mind was a scary place to be in– racing thoughts, treacherous feelings, negative thoughts that poisoned all her thoughts, promising her that things would soon get worse. She would stay awake till the rest of the night then, her heart pounding against her chest as her wide eyes flickered throughout her room, paranoid. But after she started drinking alcohol, it felt like her entire brain and body relaxed, she would feel happy, carefree, and most importantly free– separated from her life that kept cursing her with the worst things that could ever happen, and free from her overworking brain.
That was why every night, Naisha drank to feel less lonely, less sad, and to feel more human. And it seemed like everyone liked the drunk Naisha better too. She seemed more energetic, more confident, and carefree, always dancing and singing, and all her college classmates who barely paid attention to her before cheered her on for every single thing she did when she was drunk. They whooped loudly as Naisha gulped a shot, the liquid burning in her throat but bringing a pleasant, buzzing feeling. If I like myself better when I drink, if it made my life tolerable, and liked by others, then why should I ever stop drinking this? She thought one night, dancing to some random song playing in the background, her cheeks flushed, a content smile on her face.
And she didn’t. Stop drinking, that is. She kept her habits up, and she noticed that this habit of hers was making her loved ones more distant from her. But Naisha didn’t care at that point. All she knew was that she’d never been so content in her life before, and maybe this feeling shouldn’t stop. She started to realize that she had to drink more than usual to make her feel the normal amount of pleasant buzzing, for her world to be a whirl of dark colors and her mind to melt into a beautiful haze, but it didn’t deter her. The more, the better right?
Wrong.
Do you know what some people say? When things are going extremely, mind-blowingly well, it’s just a matter of time before their entire world sidetracks and flips. This was true for Naisha. Her money was running out, so she decided to tamp her drinking down a bit, but her body didn’t like this decision. She couldn’t sleep, her hands shook violently, she started puking all night, and her mind started being plagued by treacherous thoughts that made her suspicious. She started having bouts of fever whenever she didn’t drink, and her heart throbbed so hard against her chest that she felt the vibrations. She felt bone-tired.
She thought of how peaceful and happy she was when she drank, and borrowed some money from her sibling, buying herself a drink. Everything quieted for a while, leaving her absorbing the ecstasy. But that was short-lived. Every time Naisha stepped back from drinking slightly, it was like she was being pulled deeper into a pit hole, making it more difficult for her to climb out. Every time she didn’t drink, she was overwhelmed by anxiety, her hands trembling, her eyes wide open in the middle of the night with tears dripping down her cheek, not being able to sleep, nausea rising in her body as she sat there, scared out of her life.
And soon, she was drinking not for the peace, but to stop the withdrawal symptoms. She realized that she was in too deep and tried to stop, but her physical and mental withdrawal symptoms came rushing back, drowning her deep in her addiction again.
She felt like she was trapped in a terrifying, vicious cycle– drinking, expecting to feel a little bit of relief, ending up feeling worse after drinking and drinking again just to stop feeling bad. She didn’t know how to break this circle. All she knew was that this savage cycle was consuming her bit by bit, and she didn’t see a way out.
All the people who thought she was cool when she was drunk? None of them bothered to check in on her during her worst moments. It was the loved ones she pushed away during the depths of her addictions that offered her a helping hand, encouraging her not to give up during the rehab, and supporting her throughout the process.
Looking back at one of the darkest, lowest periods of her life, Naisha realized that some other people might never get the help that she received, and might end up choosing a way out that Naisha had briefly considered– death. So she chose a career where she could save other people from drowning in the depths of addiction.
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This is a glimpse of the everyday life of someone with alcohol addiction. This is the story of a fictional character whose experiences are written for a better understanding of this condition.
If you feel like your experiences are similar to what is being portrayed in this blog, do not hesitate to reach out for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean that you are weak.
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